Monday, June 24, 2013


I was having a moment.

You know the kind where your mind sneaks away from you. You know you are entertaining an idol that you shouldn't but you to tell yourself its ok.

I was looking at houses. Gah. Such a trap for me. But I said to my brain, I am just looking. We have a few sets of close friends looking, and looking with them or for them is no trouble for me, but as soon as I look at them for myself...trouble. I trick myself into all the reasons why we should get one, when reality shows its just not time. This type of thinking leads me to more "stuff" that I need.

Then, I felt sorry for myself. Valid. Craziness.

Then in my selfish, self-pitiful moment officer walks in with Starbucks. A hard day = Starbucks he says.  He then heads back out to his night full of work.


The Lord humbles me so often in the way he tenderly shows me how I'm COMPLETELY missing the point.

And tonight, a tall decaf pike roast was the little blessing to remind me how I have SO much more than I need. HE has blessed me greatly.


Thursday, June 6, 2013

On my heart...

Happy new year. I know I am really late.

This year has started off with a bang in our home. I have started to write so many posts but never publish them.

I have had so many things I have wanted to write about and yet couldn't find the words. I want this blog to be a place of honesty and real struggles...but its SO terrifying to put truth about yourself out there.

Over the past 6 months I have had so many conversations with people who see things on instagram or facebook and feel like someone else has it together and they don't. And as I sat on these thoughts I realize I too buy this lie.

This is when discontentment reared its ugly head in my life and has stuck around ever since. I have victory in it and then there are days when I fail miserably at it.

I focused on how hard I work, how tight things can be, the things I don't have and may never have.

In Dallas, and really most places, a house it a right. Its the next move. Its how you feel at home and settled. It is the B in A + B = C. So what happens if C comes before B? Lots of questions and concerns. If you have a house, that is awesome for you. It just has not been in the cards for us for a number of reasons and some times it causes me shame and fear that it never will be.

This isn't by any means the root of my discontentment. This is simply an example of a daily struggle.

But what I weed through all of the "stuff" the things that humbles the heck out of me, the things that bring tears to my ungrateful eyes are the things I have.

I get to trip on letter magnets on my kitchen floor. I get to find a box of tampons opened in the bathroom because they were used for princess wands.

I get to laugh out loud with my officer about the way fox says "thank you" as "shzoo shoo" or green as "GEEN!"

I get to wake up and sit on the couch and eat a "wapple" with my fox. I get to watch her huge imagination as she talks out conversations between mr. elephant, mr. horse and barbie.

I get to see our big family love our daugther and I get to see her love each of them.

I get to walk with each of them hand in hand in this incredible summer weather.

I get to hear my officer dream. Big dreams. This blesses my undreaming heart quite well. A fair amount of dreaming is good for the heart. I would never do it if not for him. I would be comfortable in average if not for his dreams.

So maybe we wake in an apartment, sit on an old couch and drive in an old car, its a great life...It really is. Its FULL. I go to sleep FULL when I let gratitude take over and block the discontentment monster out. This is really hard for me to do. I fail often, but I feel the Lord pressing into this. I feel this area of me needing to change so it doesn't rob me of my joy. I feel the desire to prove earthly success to those around me, and feel so incredibly disappointed when I can't meet this standard I have created.

So what does this all mean for me as an officer wife?

It can be hard. Really hard when you are looking at everyone but yourself. But everyone has something hard. Really hard sometimes. Yes, their spouse might be beside them at night to deal with it, but I have to focus on me. Not them. I have to focus on what I do have. And its a lot. Despite many things I don't like about this officer life, the Lord chose me to do it at this moment. May I drink deeply this life he ordained for me. Otherwise, what is the point?

This is one of my favorite blogs to be inspired by really raw honesty. So I am linking up with her sharing whats on her heart.

-an officer and a mrs.